Minesweeper

That's the answer.

Minesweeper.

Ever played?

It's really simple. You've got a box ("window," for the more computer literate among you) full of little gray squares. Behind each square is either a number or a bomb. The numbers indicate how many bombs that square is touching. From there, your objective is to use the numbers to clear every non-bomb square in the shortest amount of time possible.

It may not sound very exciting (and it's not), but for the more lame of the human race (like myself), it is all sorts of entertaining.

So there you sit, clicking away at little gray squares, staring intently, wondering, "There are three bombs touching that square. . . where are they?. . ." and then, before you know it, you're dead because you chose the wrong square. My personal favorite is when you have to try ten times to even start the game because the first square you choose is always a damn bomb.

Thesis statement: Human relationships are like Minesweeper.

Reason One: Sometimes you can't even get off the ground. You're surveying the field of potential human interactions out there, and you blow a kiss in one direction only to receive a look of contempt; you say hello to another person and are blown off with a "get lost;" you smile in someone's direction and she doesn't even acknowledge your existence. The possibilities are endless. The point is that you try to establish something and the bomb explodes in your face.

Reason Two: Sometimes you make an initial hit. You get something started. But it's not long before the bomb explodes and you're a double amputee with bad hair. You send an email to a professor, trying to build an intellectual relationship by expressing curiosity, and you receive no response; you ask her out on a date and she says, "It's not you, it's me, I just can't be in a relationship with you right now. . . or ever;" you invite him to come over and study and he says, "Sorry, darlin', women with brains aren't my type." Again, the possibilities are endless, but the point is that you clear just a few squares and appear to be off to a good start, only to have a damn bomb come out of nowhere and explode. If bombs could laugh, this is when they'd do it.

Reason Three: The board is almost cleared. Things are going well. The end is in sight. But then, you make a stupid mistake. You know that square is a bomb. But you still click on it. And then you're left cursing your fingers for not consulting with your brain first--that is, you would curse them if they hadn't been detached during the explosion. You know he's insecure in his masculinity and you still crack a joke about his manhood; you know she hates pet names and you still insist on calling her "sweet thang;" you know they just broke up and you still ask if they want to go on a double date. Basically, you're a dumbass and you pay for plaguing society with your idiocy by exchanging limbs for scar tissue and a ventilator.

Reason Four: You're down to the last two bombs. You're truly almost there. And if you can keep this up, you're going to break your record. This is an exciting moment in your history as a Minesweeper connoisseur. But then you run into a roadblock. There are two equally viable options. The bomb could be either place, and there's no way to tell without taking a leap of faith. Is it okay to propose already? How will she react if I tell her I love her? Will he commit suicide if I dump him? And you'll never know until you take action. The Gods of Minesweeper will either smile upon you and say that you've completed the puzzle (although by now you've stalled too long, trying to figure out the right answer, and so your previous record remains unbroken) or they will smite you for thinking you can predict their fickle ways and proceed to place third-degree burns over your entire body. Either way, the pressure is on, tension fills the computer screen, and the results could be either devastating or glorious--but you have to make a choice first.

Reason Five: I said so. I like odd numbers. I can't make an argument with an even number of reasons. Can't be done.

Conclusion: Minesweeper is a useful tool in examining human interaction and relationships. And also a great way to keep yourself from away message stalking when you have nothing better to do. Plus it has a smiley face on the clear button. Who can beat that?