For you, my loyal fans.

Let's get one thing straight here: I don't have time for you. You people and your need to laugh at my miserable life. Uh huh. The beattitudes are going to bite you all in the ass one day.

Anyway. . .

This weekend the Mock Trial team ventured down to Atlanta, Georgia, for a little bit of Southern fun. We competed against teams who consistently beat us with the home team advantage: a Southern accent that screamed, "I have a confederate flag tied to my car antenna and I think Bush was chosen by God! Pick me! Pick me!"

But just a couple of things came out of my mouth during trials that I think are sufficiently amusing enough to share with you on this fine Tuesday afternoon.

1) Opposing counsel objected during my cross examination, claiming it was a compound question. Keeping in mind that (a) we were in Georgia, and (b) the average Mock Trial judge is about as bright as the neighborhood six-year-old who runs around town eating the mucus he pulls from his nose in broad daylight; here is my response: "Your honor, the question is not compound. Rather, the question is prefaced by a dependent clause."

2) In case you didn't know already, the judges in Mock Trial tournaments are treated like gods. We must bow and scrape before them, just begging for their affection and praise (and points). Therefore, one should never say what I did during an objection argument: "If opposing counsel knew the Midlands Rules of Evidence, she would know that police reports may not be entered into evidence. However, if Your Honors wish to ignore the Rules of Evidence and admit the document, I have no objections." Thank Allah I did it with a smile.


I assure you, there are more tales from the weekend of mocking, I just have to go to class right now. I shall return later to share with you.