I found him.

He is the one. He was born to perform this role. He was made to fulfill one simple purpose: to be the first Nascar driver to use a campus shuttle in competition.

Now, hear me out.

I'm not a fan of Nascar and I couldn't name three Nascar drivers off the top of my head. I consider it pointless to sit and watch rich people waste fossil fuels (an UNrenewable resource, mind you) to drive around in an oval for hours on end. Even the crashes aren't terribly exciting. You know it's going to happen: Oh no! The M&M car has sideswiped the Viagra car! They're currently melting into one big, hot lump of metal; wow, I wouldn't want to be the clean-up crew; that's going to be a really hard lump of metal when it cools down. . .

Sorry. It was too easy.

So, anyway, I don't like Nascar, but this guy was made for it. Normally when I take the campus shuttle from the parking lot to my "residence hall," the ride lasts approximately eleven minutes. Why? Well, shuttle drivers don't seem to believe in acceleration. Perhaps the gas pedals are especially difficult to press down; I don't know. The point is: they're slow.

But this guy was different. He had a need for speed. He had a mission, and that mission was clear: Drive as quickly as possible to reach the shuttle stop where the giggly damn teacher-to-be sorority girls would be exiting the bus.

And complete that mission he did. Shuttle speed limit? Not for this guy. Complete stops? No more. Consideration for the pain incurred by passengers when driving quickly over bumpy campus roads? Out of the question.

Most importantly though, dumbass sorority girls? Gone.

This man's goal was preordained by a higher power, and I do dare to say that he's going to Heaven. Or Nirvana. Or the divine ever after. Hell, just pick your term; I'm tired of being PC.

The guy rocks. We'll leave it at that.