I should be studying right now

But instead I need to tell you about what happened this morning.

There is a flaming conservative in the class I'm peer facilitating. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term, peer facilitation refers to acting as a teaching assistant of sorts, only you get paid less, have less authority, and are supposed to be the best new friend your students could ever have imagined. Needless to say, I'm not exactly who the administration envisioned when they came up with this role.)

He is in the military; he likes Bush; and he's very Christian. Considering the context, he is the beginning of a great new sitcom.

The class is called "The Common Good," and it's all about the debate regarding how the government should go about ensuring the common good, or the general social welfare of its people. We can reasonably assume that anyone who would want to teach this class is pretty liberal. After all, if you weren't fairly left-wing, this wouldn't even be a question. Instead we'd be taking a business class, wondering why Bush helps those deadbeat crackheads suck the life out of the economy with their damn Food Stamps and Welfare.

So anyway, today we were in class discussing how various sects of Christianity conceptualized the common good. The idea was to look at how someone's personal beliefs might influence their take on what the government should be doing.

About a third of the class is Roman Catholic; two of us are agnostic; there is one atheist (not counting the instructor, who goes to a Unitarian church nonetheless); and the rest are various types of Protestants. So, naturally, first we heard about Roman Catholicism and how they tried to put the burden for everything on the government.

I decided to speak up because no one else would (amazing how no one has the homework done the day a paper is due), and I had research the Presbyterian Church. I was honestly impressed by them. They're more politically active than this college campus, and they even go so far as play with their influence in the economic sphere.

I focused on one strategy in particular during my little schpiel to the class: they will buy large amounts of stock in a company, and then manipulate that company (as shareholders are entitled to do) so that they are sure the company is acting in accordance with God's will.

I think it's brilliant. Their website boasted of forcing an energy company in Ohio to divulge a full report about its emissions, pollution, and climate change. A good use of power, if you ask me.

But no one asked me.

Instead, Captain Conservative spoke up. "That's wrong. That's manipulative."

Me, "It's not manipulative if it's working for God's will." (Of course the look on my face sent the rest of the class into a fit of laughter, which only sent Lieutenant Lynch-the-Liberals further down a spiral of rage.)

Admiral Abstinence-Eduation-Works then said, "That's just wrong. They shouldn't be manipulative."

Me, "It's not being manipulative. It's being situationally intelligent. Do you have a better suggestion for how they can accomplish their goals?"

Petty Officer Peace-is-for-Pussies then informed me, "No. That's just manipulative. And I'm not Presbyterian. I don't have to approve what they do."

With that, Corporal Close-Mindedness packed up his books and glared at me until it was time to leave class.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to be his new big sister and best friend if he shuts down as soon as I suggest that we should take steps to care for one another? I was so looking forward to beginning a friendship with him, that I fear life is pointless now. . .

"Ohhhh, Connieeeee, come out and play with me. . . Bring your rifles three. . . Climb up my apple tree. . . Slide down my rainbow. . . Into the bunker door. . . and we'll be jolly friends. . . forever More. More. More."

*sigh*

Who am I supposed to invite to my tea party now? No one else has the exclusive Rootin' Tootin' Gun-Totin' Missile-Droppin' Civilian-Killin' Submissive Godly Woman Barbie.* Damn thing sold out within ten minutes nationwide.






*All rights reserved. Copyright 2006, Commission for a Conservative Empire, formerly known as the George W. Bush Reelection Committee. Small parts may not be appropriate for children. Remote detonator sold separately. Remove all explosive components before giving to small children or Republicans. Also available as a life-size blow-up doll.