Confession

I want to believe. I want to really, truly believe.

I want to hear that sweet sweet sound of amazing grace; I want to feel the blood of the lamb wash over me; and I want my worries to fall into the sea like a million tiny pieces, trading my sorrows for joy.*

Lately it has become more and more apparent that life just keeps spiraling out of control, much like God's wrath when the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah had way too much fun, or the time he decided to flood the whole fucking Earth during a toddler-esque temper tantrum.

But let's think about the days when I did believe. What did I have then that I don't have now?

Well, I think it is best seen as an equation:

Extreme amounts of stress

+

Horrible classes

+

Dysfunctional family

+

Bitterness and rage

-

Sleep

-

Meaning

-

Sanity

--------------------------------------------

Joy

+

Peace

+

Love

I can hear you now: How the hell does that work out? That is the farthest thing from a balanced equation since Bush tried to come up with a federal budget.

Let us not forget one key passage from the Good Book, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Taken from somewhere in Jeremiah (I want to say chapter 19 verse 11, but I'm too tired to look it up right now), the verse was always my comfort.

No matter how shitty life was, there was a benevolent God just waiting to show me that it was all really okay. No matter how pointless my life was, there was an omniscient God just sitting there waiting for me to realize that my purpose was His.** No matter how cruel the world seemed to be, there was a loving God just holding out His hand, waiting for me to accept His grace.

*Sigh*

How I long for those days. Blessed assurance. Amazing grace. Faith, hope, and love.

Simple. Perhaps too simple.

*I'm betting less than three of my readers caught all of the references to song lyrics hidden in broad daylight in that sentence.

**That makes as little sense to me as it makes to you. I've really never known what it meant, but somehow it always felt good when I thought it was true.