Tree, Ass. Ass, Tree.

It's nine o'clock in the morning; I didn't sleep last night; it's the first day of classes for the new semester; and I'm drinking Irish coffee while listening to needlessly depressing music.

What's going on here? Well, I'll tell you.

I've already been out to face the world once today. Jenny and I had breakfast and then I went to buy my books and talk to Financial Aid. I was informed that the University was going to take a great big tree limb, sand all the twigs stemming from it into little needle-point spikes, and then shove it up my ass. And just because I was looking for a little added pleasure, sensation, and stimulation, I called the nonprofit organization from which I received my second scholarship to be told that they were going to grab hold of the tree limb--you know, the one the University had so kindly inserted into my ass--and twist.

I'm stuck. I'm stuck on this campus. If I move off-campus I lose five thousand dollars of free money. If I move into University-sponsored apartments I might not lose the money, but they make no guarantees (of course--which is why I absolutely adore low-level bureaucrats who have neither the know-how nor the authority to make any real decisions or tell you anything of importance or really answer any question worth asking). And if I take the chance of living in University-sponsored apartments, Jenny and I would have to find two to four more roommates. Not happenin'. Just not goin' there.

So where am I? Stuck in a fucking dorm room with a spiky tree limb stuck up my ass. And it's been rotated 270 degrees just for fun.