A Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Exclusive

Due to popular demand, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club is returning! And this time, we have an exclusive offer for you. That's right. What follows can only be found here. And once you've read all about him, you will know why. Ladies and gentlemen, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club is proud to present. . . *drumroll, please*

Frat Boy Mike

When you hear "Pi Kappa Alpha," what comes to mind? Do you think of celebrities like Ted Koppel, Tim McGraw, Karl Rove, Strom Thurmond, and some other random alumnus who happened to go on to be the CEO of La-Z-Boy, Inc.? Or do you think of the fraternity that was kicked off our campus because one of the members ran through the frat house naked and was accused of sexual harrassment and rape?

If you thought of the former, then you would be right in guessing that our dear Frat Boy Mike is part of a long line of Conservative Republican Pikes. If you thought of the latter, then you would be right in guessing that our dear Frat Boy Mike is part of a group of males who are so insecure in their heterosexuality that they commit homoerotic acts on a regular basis, then wonder why they get news coverage.

That's right folks, we have for you today one highly desirable Frat Boy Mike. Looking for someone who will entertain you with an endless stream of neologisms? Look no further! During Frat Boy Mike's screening interview this afternoon, he came up with "fuckadinkadysms," "dipect" (an inventive new mix of "disect" and "depict"), "egyptian rat screwed" (that's right, it wasn't a verb before), "Bia" (what the staff presumed to be an abbreviation of "biotch," which is slang for "bitch," but we can't quite be sure with Frat Boy Mike), and much much more. Any of you out there looking to learn a foreign language, this is your chance!

And while we're on the topic of communication, you absolutely must take this opportunity to hear someone who knows he's not supposed to have a hillbilly accent, but just can't help it that he's damn proud of a farmland heritage that has given him the confidence to go clubbing in cowboy boots, oversized belt buckle, and cowboy hat. Come on now, you know you wanna hear that signature drawl that reminds you of George Dubya (who, by the way, is Frat Boy Mike's "dawg"), as well as the long history of chauvinism and racism in the South.

But fear not, ladies (or gents, if you're so daring as to try to tap into Frat Boy Mike's hidden homoeroticism--the staff here at Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club wish you all the luck in the world). Frat Boy Mike is a self-proclaimed lover, not a fighter; but he'll be quick to tell you that he's only a fighter when he's a lover. Try making sense out of that one!

Frat Boy Mike's ideal night out begins with "a nice steak dinner," after which it would be getting dark, lending the night to a romantic, little car ride home, complete with some deep conversation, and then, depending on his date's style, either a party, at which he would be so chivalrous (if you're looking for a laugh, ask him to pronounce "chivalrous") as to refrain from getting drunk, or back to his place for a movie like The Notebook, which he claims to really like because "Frat Boy Mike has a sensitive side." And, in his own words, "if [you're] real good, [you] might even get to spend the night." How's that for enticing!

If you're not sold already--and we're sure you are--then here's one last pitch. Frat Boy Mike is so concerned with the environment that after throwing away a recyclable plastic bottle, he took the time to write a note (quoted exactly as written): DEAR IMPACT, This room Needs A Recycling Ben For us to Save The World!! (Poor & Rich) Thanks, FBM.

In the words of our bachelor, "Why wouldn't you date Frat Boy Mike? That's the question." Anyone who speaks about himself in the third person is a real catch! Come on folks, we know you want this guy!

Contact Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club by responding to this post, and we will put you in touch with the one and only Frat Boy Mike. It's not every day you'll encounter a man who puts on sunglasses after dark, then looks at his reflection in a window and says, "Oh wow! I look good today."