Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wow. . . five days without posting. . .

What happened? Well, I went out of town for a book discussion all weekend, and when I got back the strangest phenomenon occurred: productivity. I was really truly productive for two days straight. I still don't understand it. . .

Oh well. That's not what I want to write about today. Today, I thought I would pass along some valuable advice. You see, I work in the Graduate College of a mid-sized (20,000+ students) university; so, I see the admissions process first hand. I know just how impressive and just how shitty those applications can appear. Thus, in an effort to do a good deed as penance for behaving like a typical college student last night (getting drunk for no reason on a Monday night when I knew I had to be at work at eight the following morning), I bring you:

What NOT to Do when Applying to Graduate School
  1. Do not send a handwritten application in smudged blue ink when you know your handwriting is illegible. Your teachers have been telling you since third grade, so don't pretend. We can't read it.
  2. Do not go pick up your transcripts, open them up and take a gander, then send us taped envelopes containing "official" transcripts. It's not going to work. You're just going to have to start over.
  3. Do not send us certificates of achievement from high school, junior high, or elementary school. Trust me, we don't care if you were teacher's pet.
  4. Do not send us transcripts from junior high and high school. This is the Graduate College. Think.
  5. Do not send us awards you got from amateur piano competitions when you were five. (You think I'm kidding? I was putting together a file today when I ran across one such award and decided I had had enough. Hence, this post.)

Moral of the story? Don't be a dipshit. If you call the Graduate College and I'm trying to tell you where to find the Graduate Catalog online, the conversation should not proceed as follows:

  • You want to go to the college's homepage.
  • Okay, that's _____ dot what?
  • It's _____ dot E D U.
  • Okay, wait. It's _____ dot what?
  • Dot. E. D. U.
  • E B U?
  • No. E. D as in dog. U.
  • Okay. _____ dot EDU. . . ?
  • Slash. Colleges.
  • Dot what?
  • No. Slash.
  • Dash?
  • No. Slash.
  • Slash what?
  • Colleges.
  • Okay. Slash colleges.
  • Slash gradcol. G-R-A-D-C-O-L.
  • C A L?
  • No. C O L.
  • Okay. Thanks.
  • You're welcome.

Should that person really be applying for a Ph.D. program? I think not.

posted by theaveragejoeisamoron @ 11:48 AM   1 comments

1 Comments:

At 11/23/2005 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alamaroo, I feel your pain. An addition to your list:

When calling the Graduate College, and the nice student assistant answers the phone with "Good Morning, the Graduate College --- speaking, how may I help you" do not do the following.

"Hi, is this V-----?"
"No, this is Corinne, at the Graduate College, may I help you?"
"Is this V-----'s office?"
"No, this is the Graduate College office, we do not have a Vickey in our office."
"Could you connect me to V-----?"
"What's her last name, I can look up her number in the phone book."
"I don't know. Can you connect me anyway? It has something to do with off-campus housing."


Should this person be allowed to use a phone? I think not.

 

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