Oh my . . .

I have neglected you for far too long. Two months. Two whole months of nothingness.

And why? I don't think you're going to like the answer, really. I mean, I don't like the answer--at all.

At first, my absence was due to a two-week family vacation (<-- there's an oxymoron for ya). Then, when I returned and had ample inspiration from said vacation, I couldn't write anything. I didn't feel funny. I felt blah. . . very, very blah.

Then, I started seeing someone. (Can you see where this is going yet?) So I spent all my time elsewhere, away from home, doing other things.

But now I'm back. Which can only mean one thing: I'm bringing back Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club for another update.

Who was this sauve individual who stole me away from you for the majority of the summer? Who was this dashing young thing who entertained me for hours on end? Who? I repeat, Who?, could it have been?

Ladies and Gents, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club proudly presents to you its latest find. And by "proudly," we mean we hope you don't know how to read between the lines (or read at all for that matter); because if you do, well, we're out of a job.

Read along with us and meet Andy, or as we like to call him, "Thirty-one-year-old-Divorcee-Subscript-Two". (Not to be confused with Thirty-one-year-old-Divorcee-Subscript-One, otherwise known as "Dickweed Kevin.")

Andy is, as his name would indicate, a thirty-one-year-old divorcee, home grown in a dysfunctional little town in Ohio. He spent the majority of his adult life in Southern California, where he must have fit in just fine, being the freak that he is. (Don't mind those scars on his nose; he was just trying to save a little money with a do-it-yourself piercing job. Twice.)

Andy is a lady's man, preferring to woo younger women. Fresh out of a bad five-year marriage to someone nine years younger than himself, he's on the move and looking to put at least a decade in age difference between himself and his partner. Don't worry though, ladies. We guarantee you'll be more mature than he is.

Are you the lovey-dovey type? Do you dream of someone who will want to spend every second of every day with you? Do you enjoy investing all of your time and energy in a single individual? Well, have we got a catch for you! It just so happens that Andy is a clingy little man who will take all the time you have to give and then demand more! You'll never again have to worry about that dastardly thing known as "alone time" or a "night out with the girls." Andy will be there to take care of you.

And are we the only ones who have noticed the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1 lately? Well, if that's your cup of tea and you like collecting useless knowledge about movies and the like, then Andy is your perfect match. He doesn't read and he tends to ramble, but he can quote movie scripts and plot lines like none other. And if you're really interested (to be quite honest, he'll tell you even if you're not interested), Andy will tell you all about his run-ins with celebrities when he worked at a movie theater in L.A. Riveting!

Now, ladies, we don't tend to encourage gold-digging. And we really don't like advertising men by their occupations because it strikes us as following sexist stereotypes, but you should know: this man has aspirations. Oh yeah. He may be working as a grill cook in a mid-grade restaurant now, but back in California he was a foreman in a warehouse; and doggonit, he's gonna work his way up in the warehouse world again!

So what's stopping you?! You know this one's a real keeper! You can spend hours together, watching movies and talking in his poorly furnished apartment . . . just ignore that funky smell and the fact that only one room has working air conditioning and that pile of dishes soaking in dirty water in the sink for weeks at a time. Or, on second thought, you can go out on the town! Just keep it cheap. And, oh, you'll have to pick him up.

Call us now to set up a date with Andy! You know you want to!

As always, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club is not responsible for the terrible taste in men of its proprietor, Allison. If you are foolish enough to date this man, we refuse to be held responsible or liable in any way--for your time, energy, money, or emotional wellbeing. Please believe us when we say you should just ask, "Your name is Andy? Have you ever dated a girl named Allison? . . . Oh. Okay, then. Goodbye." If Allison has dated him, it is safe to say that he is certified bad news.