I've been thinking

It's time to redefine the "booty call."

First, let's come to a common understanding of the booty call. Urban Dictionary would have us believe that a booty call is "a phone call, page, or conversation aimed at getting into your pants. Not an invite to a movie or dinner, not just coffee, not a casual or formal get-together, just a plain, old-fashioned 'let's fuck'." That definition was the most popular definition, but I just must share another one. It's far too eloquent for a place like Urban Dictionary, which is why I love it: "A late night summons -- often made via telephone -- to arrange clandestine sexual liasions on an ad hoc basis."

Now. Let's all agree that a booty call involves somehow contacting someone (whether it be by phone, page, instant messenger, or face-to-face contact) for the purpose of random sexual relations which take place the same night. Agreed? Good.

With our common definition of a booty call, let us move on to the heart of this post. I want to redefine the booty call. I want to make the booty call something more than just a booty call. I want to meet the needs of our generation by offering something more than a mere booty call -- or a mere booty call as we know it. (And no, I don't want to do all of these things personally. I just want to offer a new definition that will enable people to do these things for themselves.)

What I propose is a new typology, categorizing various types of booty calls. This typology includes the cuddle call, the companionship call, the well-known booty call, and the drunken call.

First, the cuddle call. I am willing to wager that there are many people out there who simply don't like to sleep alone, or who just want to be held, but don't necessarily want to have to put out to get that. So, why not have their own form of booty call that allows them to say, "Hey, I just wanna cuddle with you, so don't expect anything more"? It's up-front and honest. I like it. (And I'm only slightly biased here.)

Second, the companionship call. This one is closely linked to the cuddle call. This one is for all the people who, sitting alone on a Friday night, just want someone to sit beside them or laugh at a bad joke, or go with them to a movie or dinner. This call is made for the losers who not only don't have significant others, but also don't have a whole lot of friends. For those on the receiving end of a companionship call, remember that the one making the call is probably open to the concept of "friends with benefits," so the companionship call could always evolve into a traditional booty call.

Third, the booty call. I would not alter the definition we previously agreed upon. It works.

Finally, the drunken call. The drunken call is like the grab-bag of booty calls -- the mystery meat of the booty call cafeteria, if you will. The drunken call is for those moments when someone is drunk off his/her ass, doesn't quite know what he/she wants, and isn't going to remember it in the morning anyway. The drunken call could mean that he/she will pass out in someone else's car, puke in someone else's bed, or have wild sex all night. The key to this is that the person won't remember the drunken call come morning, creating a true "no strings attached" clause.

So. . . what do you think?

I think it's pretty genius. (Or, as my roommate may argue, "genious with an 'o'.")