Cognitive Dissonance

I don't like change. You all know this. Microsoft updates Internet Explorer and I freak out. I can't help it. When things change, I need time to adjust. Generally speaking, eventually I'll forget about the change and move on to start being resistant to other upcoming changes.

Well, what could be worse than the change of your software or your email or your living arrangements? (And those are all quite tremendous changes, capable of screwing up your life during the adjustment period, so don't scoff, you insensitive people.)

I'll tell you what's worse: Unexpected changes in people.

You all know what I'm talking about. You think have that guy figured out. You think, "He's an asshole. He really is. I'm just going to forget he exists, and I'm going to move on with a happier life, untainted by assholes like that guy. Mhm. I know all about him. Jerkface. Oh. No. He's not even good enough for that title. He is a jerk without the face! Mmmhmmmm. . . Asshole."

And then, out of nowhere, without any warning -- I mean, you've already forgotten that this guy exists -- he does something nice! He expresses genuine, sincere concern for your wellbeing when he's under no obligation to do so. I mean, we're not talking about your brother, who's required to at least pretend to care about you (at least when you're in front of your grandparents).

Back on track, though. How is your brain supposed to process this new version of the guy? You're pacing, you're putting your hand on your chin, you're thinking, you're trying to figure it out, and then! You've got it.

You need a montage. People always figure stuff out in a montage.

So you grab some of those crayons John Nash used to write on the windows in A Beautiful Mind; you download some nifty engineering software; you scan your music library for just the right music -- not too fast, but not too slow, not too peppy, but not too serious; you go to the bookshelf and pull every book you have about psychology and interpersonal relationships; you grab notepads and pencils; you arrange the props and start the music.

And you are ready to begin.

You rush to the window and begin drawing algorithms with your crayons. You stare at them for a moment, and then rush to the table, where you frantically open one book after another, seemingly searching for a reason you would be doing algorithms to solve a problem involving cognitive dissonance and human behavior.

After searching the books, you pull a notepad from your pocket and start scribbling random words like, "Asshole," "Nice," "Incongruous," and "Fuck." With your notes completed, you put the notepad back in your pocket and run to the computer. Hastily sitting down, you impatiently tap the mouse, realizing that you would've been wise to turn off the automatic powersave stand-by before beginning your montage.

Using the new engineering software, you click your mouse far too many times and look intently at the screen while watching the provided modeling demo because you don't have a clue how to actually use the software or create anything of your own. After the demo ends, you pull out your notepad, draw a stick figure, tap your pencil on the desk, stand up, and look back to the algorithms on the window.

As you approach the stereo to turn off N*Sync's "Girlfriend," which has been playing throughout the entire montage, you can't help but wonder, "Are those even algorithms? I'm not sure what a fucking algorithm is. I just kind thought it involved Greek symbols and numbers . . . huh . . . Maybe I should've played Eiffel 65's 'Blue' instead. . ."

The montage is complete. And you still don't have a clue what to do about this guy who's a total asshole but decided to be nice just this once.

And that's when it hits you. I would say you had a lightbulb moment, but you don't have lightbulb moments. You have brick wall moments, when you quit screwing around and run into the obvious like a drunk driver headed for that brick wall straight ahead.

"He wasn't being nice at all! Nope. . . it was just an asshole ploy of his to make me think he was being nice and then make me overanalyze it. I mean, he is that much of a jerk (without the face). . . I just can't believe I didn't see this sooner. Ugh. . . what an asshole. I'm going to forget he exists."

Cognitive dissonance: Resolved. Montage: Awesome. Mission: Accomplished.