My Own Worst Enemy

My mind has turned against me. It's done this before. My mind thinks, "Nope. Not gonna cooperate today," and suddenly all hopes of productivity are shot. So then, I try to sleep, but once again my mind thinks, "Nope. Definitely not gonna cooperate right now," and suddenly I'm an insomniac.

Don't get me wrong. I know my mind plays these games, and I have the pharmacological ability to make it stop, but that's just not very fulfilling--or so my mind tells me. I could easily take a sleeping pill to prevent that pre-falling-asleep deadness that lasts longer each night, with my mind wandering, repeating songs and snippets of conversations and pretty much anything else to keep itself from sleeping. I could prevent all that. But tomorrow, when I'm dead tired yet again, my mind would lovingly remind me, "Hey, dipshit. Did you know that sleeping pills prevent REM sleep and so even though you think you won, you really lost the game? Oh, that's right--I'm your mind. Of course you knew. Good job. Really. Impressive."

But what really pisses me off. . . that part of the night that just makes me want to jump out a tenth-story window to spite myself. . . that one little moment when my mind is snickering and I want to drive a rusty bolt into my skull. . . that time when I sit up in bed, knowing I just had the most fucked up dream of all time, and I look at the clock, and I see that I've only been asleep about ten minutes--I've been in bed forty minutes, but I've been asleep about ten or so.

Why!? WTFuck!? Why is my mind playing this game?

Ugh.