Three Cheers for the Free Market!

Being on Break in my conservative little hometown has awakened the capitalist within me. I have come up with the most genius marketing plan ever. This is even better than the suicide planning service I wanted to offer. While I am going to share this idea with you all (a most idiotic thing to do, if I had any intention whatsoever of pursuing this plan), I will not hesitate to bring suit against any of you who dare to implement my plan without paying me a hefty royalty. With that said, I can be contacted to discuss business ventures at any time.

This new service is going to be aimed specifically at college students--a group to which I belong, but don't claim to understand. This group is known for several things: drinking, partying, having sex, and occasionally going to class or learning something. These people are supposedly the future of our society, but I'm not so much concerned about that. I will focus on two things with which they are preoccupied: getting good grades and having sex.

If you're asking yourself where this is going or how I ever thought of this plan, don't bother. I never claimed my mind made sense.

So what is this new service or product I intend to offer to college students? It's genius. It's brilliant. I can't believe it doesn't exist already, and if it does, I don't want to try googling it to find out. The resulting pop-up ads for the next month would be far too annoying.

I am going to offer specialized pornography. Perhaps I will use the tag line, "The Thinker's Porn." Who knows? I'd have to get a focus group together to decide what marketing scheme will work best.

But here's the basic concept: You have all these students out there who need to spend time studying but would rather be having sex. So why not combine the two? The dialogue in each video would be specialized by discipline--philosophy, legal studies, statistics, English, Russian, you name it. The company would be willing to take requests. Hell, we could even turn the stuff into podcasts for all you iPod-addicted freaks out there. Portable Porn. Fantastic idea.

Just imagine it though. Two people in the throes of passion, then they start talking. (And to be quite honest, I laugh out loud every time I think about this, but just think along with me.) "Oo, tell me about Sartre, baby." "Mmm. . . Sartre! Existentialism!" "Oh yeah. . ." "Oo. . . define your own purpose. . . The Myth of Sisyphus. . . Ugh!"

Or. . . "Rule 615. Sequester those witnesses." "Oh no. . . improper character evidence offered on propensity. Rule 404." "The prior acts are not being offered on propensity but rather to show--oh!--truthfulness or untruthfulness, which is admissible pursuant to rule 608 of the Federal Rules of Evidence." "I'll show you 608."

I mean, isn't it hilarious? The concept is so laughable that I love it. And knowing the society we live in, I think it would sell. Just maybe.

Of course we would make no guarantees about the videos' effectiveness as a study guide or tool for learning. But that goes in small print on the inside of the packaging. Details, details.