Tales from the OKC, Part 5

This, the final installment of the OKC series, is dedicated to all the mockers out there.

If you'll recall, the entire purpose of going to the OKC was to watch the National High School Mock Trial Championship Tournament and to try to recruit high school mockers for our intercollegiate team.

Frustration number one: The people in charge of the tournament were just what we should have expected: low-level bureaucrats on a power trip. They thought they were the CIA or something. You see, they assigned team numbers to the representative teams from each state, but wouldn't tell us what the teams' numbers were; and they wouldn't let the teams tell us either. So there we were, watching random teams play each other, talking to random teams, and having no idea whether we were talking to kids from New Mexico or Kentucky. We would've liked to target schools from our region, but it basically boiled down to a bit of racial profiling and guessing after listening to accents.

Frustration number two: Peer pressure. When we talked to one or two students individually, they were fine, they asked questions, and they seemed genuinely interested in what we were saying; but as soon as we approached a team as a whole, we encountered a whole stinking shitload of attitude. One girl raised her little nose at us and informed us (in the most snotty manner possible) that she had already been accepted to a school with a nationally recognized program. Okay, miss priss, but (1) whether you got into that school doesn't matter to us because we don't recruit seniors; and (2) take your pride and shove it, because we don't want to work with someone who has her head shoved up her ass. As you know, we couldn't say that. Instead we mentioned that we had played that program in several competitions and proceeded with our spiel.

Once in the rounds, we had to work hard to stifle laughter. Allow me to give a brief caveat: Two of the teams we watched were immensely talented and well-trained. They could take the places of several intercollegiate teams right now and do a fine job. But several of the teams we watched were. . . well . . . less talented and less well-trained.

Thus, I took notes to present the following to you:

Our favorite question on cross examination (we saw it more than once): "And that made you wanna hurl, didn't it?"

Note to myself: That's amazing. He's pacing at a podium.

One team had a witness that was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY over the top. These exchanges took place with her own directing attorney.

1. "What is your occupation?" "Oc-oc-u--are you trying to ask me what I do for a living?" "Yes." "Then ask it." "Okay. . . what do you do for a living?"
2. "She was singing my favorite song: 'Oklahoma.' [Sings] Oooooooooooooklahoma!." "Oooookay. . ."

The same witness was overly combative on cross examination (go figure). She said these things to the crossing attorney.

1. "Yes, I was. Weren't you listening?"
2. "Something like fifty feet. I didn't have a ruler."
3. "I said, 'Yes.' Why weren't you paying attention?"
4. (And this is just funny.) "The meanest and most baddest animal I ever seen."

A girl with a pronounced accent (either Native American or Latina) actually asked a white, Southern crossing attorney, "Could you slow down? I can't understand your accent."

More combative responses on cross. This time from the accent chick.

1. Attorney asked, "You never searched X's hotel room, did you?" Witness responded, "Why don't you ask me WHY I didn't search it?"
2. Attorney asked, "That's a 'no,' isn't it?" "Counsel, were you paying attention to the first part of my statement?"

An attorney asked, "Didn't you said . . . ?"

The highlight of the final round, though, were some Classic objection arguments:

1. "Objection! We can't hear the witness." "Your Honor, I ask that opposing counsel be more sensitive to my witness in this time of emotional distress."
2. "Objection. Pursuant to rule 401, this is irrelevant." "Your Honor, we didn't memorize the rule book. I ask that opposing counsel explain."
3. "Objection, your Honor, argumentative." "Counsel?" "I'm trying to make a point." "The objection will be sustained."