The Secret Recipe

Ever thought, "Hey, the world sucks, and I want to make a movie about it"?

Well, if you've considered bringing important issues to light via film, I have just the formula for you. After sitting through nineteen independent films in two days' time, I think I have found the secret ingredients necessary for an underground hit.

Keep in mind, though: By definition, an underground hit may gain you cult fame and a tiny following of hot and idealistic teenage girls, but it will not get you money, and it will not get you anything but ridicule in the mainstream. So be prepared.

You need five (5) key ingredients.

1) Start with a social problem. You've got to have something that will grab people's attention. Be creative here. Don't just go for the rights of the GLBT community. (That's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, for the less PC among you.) Add in something about immigration, then make the people poor too. You've got to appeal to a broad audience. If at all possible, be sure you always throw in someone with a disability or terminal illness. (Stay away from AIDS unless your movie focuses on AIDS. No one likes it when the gay person in the movie always ends up with AIDS. It's predictable.)

2) SEX. Your movie is going to be shown at independent film festivals nationwide. It's not going to be rated. Even if it is, an "R" rating doesn't hurt you because kids aren't interested in your topics of choice. So go for sex. We know it sells. America reinforces that knowledge with every new pop star to hit the big time. Don't just stick to one sex scene, or multiple sex scenes with the same couple. You need at least two different sex triangles going on, and you need both homosexual and heterosexual sex scenes. If you really want to push the envelope and make a name for yourself, get a threesome going. Make it interracial while you're at it. The most important thing to remember: this cannot look fake. Let us hear the fat slapping. Let us hear realistic moaning (or the lack thereof). Make 'em sweaty in that realistic gross way. No Hollywood here. Remember: if you're making an indy film, then you have to hate Hollywood. Never imitate it.

3) Because you're aiming to piss off anyone who is at all conservative, throw in some drugs. This could be seen as falling within the social problem category, but it's worth mentioning on its own. Someone's gotta be high. Let 'em spaz out. Let 'em kill someone. At least give 'em a gun. You gotta keep things interesting here.

4) Subtitles are a must. Having the characters speak in English? Hmm. . . that's risky. . . Doesn't matter though. Use subtitles anyway. Don't believe me? Here's what you do: Title the movie "Liquid Soap," then at random points throughout the movie, flash an ingredient of liquid soap at the bottom of the screen. It counts as a subtitle. Trust me. And don't worry that it doesn't make sense. We're talking about indy films here.

5) The most important thing you can do. Choose a title that makes absolutely no sense until the person has watched the whole movie. If the title still doesn't make sense afterwards, congratulations. You've just supplied graduate students nationwide with a topic for their theses and dissertations. Want to make a movie about poverty? Call it The Grand Explorations of Mr. McGee. Don't have a character named Mr. McGee? Don't worry. No one cares. It gives them a chance to sound philosophical when they come up with an explanation.

With these five rules in mind, I've decided to make an independent film.

My social problems of choice? Poverty, affluence, the widening income gap, workplace power relations, immigration, language barriers, sexism, xenophobia, GLBT rights, rights of persons with disabilities, drug use, drug trafficking, conservatives, and the president. Don't think I can tackle all that in one movie? Watch me.

It will feature five main characters: Jerry, who is hopped up on cocaine the entire time; Sherita, a bisexual Latina who also has Terrett's syndrome; Shaniqua, a Voodoo goddess who sells heroin part-time; Henry, a white middle-class stock broker who hires Sherita to clean his house; and little Osama, an Afghan street child who has but one hand.

Jerry wants Henry, but Henry wants Sherita, but Sherita is too preoccupied with rescuing little Osama to worry about how badly she wants Shaniqua, who tries to put a spell on Henry because she wants Henry and Jerry, but Jerry wants Henry all to himself.

The movie will be divided into chapters, which will be completely noticeable because of the subtitles: Chapter One; The Ratification; Chapter Three; The Young Guns; Chapter Six; Chapter Nine; The Bastard; and The End.

And there will be extra subtitles because each character is going to speak a different language. I think I want the subtitles to scroll around the outside of the screen as well. Gotta keep the audience on their toes.

The Shrine of Defense Counsel

Coming to Indy Film Festivals this Fall

(Maybe)