Am I a nice person, or what?

I could have hyped the upcoming post and just made you all wait in anticipation for days, even weeks. I could have told everyone, "Look for the upcoming post to Anaerobic Exercises in Futility. It's going to be fantastic." And then I could have just waited. Not writing. Not thinking about what this supposedly promising piece of writing would be. Just leave you all hanging.

That would have been fun.

But, sadly, I am excited about what follows. I want to write this.

And so I shall.



Ladies and Gents, avid readers and fans of Anaerobic Exercises in Futility, I present to you:

Mock Trial '06

The Best of Allison's Trial Notes

Straight from the Legal Pad

To the judge,

Get off your power trip. Stupid bitch.

That's not our fucking job.

Of the judges,

He thinks she's cute.

These judges are dipshits.

Wow. Ethics abound.

HA!

These comments never change. The judges never get smarter. EVER.

Someone who follows the Rules is an objectionist?

She's bright and listens well. [All crossed out moments after it was written.] Nevermind.

Think of judges as ninth-grade graduates.

Ignore that.

How interesting that he said intelligent juries are defense juries.

Of the opposing team,

He's inventing shit out the ass.

He's fucking boring and an ass.

Burden shifting, asshole.

Wow, she's ugly.

MUMBLER.

You're a JACKASS.

Those aren't legal elements, bitch.

Wow that sucks. She blows.

She-beast. Wow.

Gay!

HOE.

You didn't show otherwise, jackass.

You didn't prove her wrong, moron.

She's a royal bitch.

Grammar, moron.

IDIOT BITCHES ON WHEELS.

She looks half-dead. If she doesn't wake up, I'm golden.

You're not 14, but you're definitely gay.

YOU'RE JUST A SCHMUCK.

Serious crime -- No shit.

A copy editor who says "seeked"?

GOD she's unfriendly. GODDAMN she's scary--like she's going to attack.

God that's annoying. She sounds like a goat.

Does he mean dam as in damn or dam as in beavers build dams?

Her VOICE IS AWFUL.

YOU SUCK!

CONTEXT Motherfucker!

"Arrove."

Those shoes don't work.

"Present tense expressions."

Good god it doesn't end.

Jackasses. Blargh. He's gotta be retarded.

KENTUCKYANS SHOULD DIE. FUCK FUCK FUCK KENTUCKY.

GODDAMN THEM ALL. HILLBILLY FUCKWITS.

What a horrid use of stripes.

"Alibaih."

The KY retard accent.

He's lethally boring.

To co-counsel,

She's your bitch. Impeach.

Tell Alicia to kick his ass. He's nervous.

He IS a dick. That's for sure.

To myself,

Damn me.

This tournament fucking sucks ass and I want to go.

Getting away with murder.

Leave more rebuttal time, dipshit.

This oaf will not intimidate me.

803(3) + P/O --> fuckin weird.

Ass. Damn. Shit. Fuck.

GRRR!

POWER POWER POWER

JN-Impeach that bitch.

Let me see you one, two step!

Shoot me.

I'm going to kill him. Argh.

This is absolutely terrible. omg she's awful.

These chairs suck.

I probably shouldn't flat-out accuse her of lying.

My eye is twitching.

La de da. I blow. Ha la la. Cigarette.

I'm a bumbling fool. Must redeem self with objections and direct.

WTF did I just do? I forgot which side I was on. He's going to fuck me up the ass with that one.

From co-counsel,

You want his penis, like the judges.

"You're smart. You critically think things. You crunch numbers. You've probably got statistics on how to walk through water."

"Yall."

Be tough. grrrrr.

The best part:

In approximately 35 pages, I wrote damn 13 times, fuck 31 times, shit 15 times, ass 19 times, and bitch 12 times. That's an average of 2.57 cursewords per page.* That's way down from last year. Go me!

And there you have it. The highly anticipated review of Allison's legal pad.

Disappointed?

Go fuck yourself.

Impressed?

I know. No need to bow down before me. It's pretty obvious that I rock.

*This average does not include all of the words hiding under blacked out areas. You see, when I'm writing an internal rant about how much my co-counsel suck, I have to scratch it out or write over it before they sit back down and see it. I wouldn't be a good team captain if I allowed them to see how much I hate them when they're losing us points. :-)