Entrepreneurial Allison

I've been receiving fan mail over the past few months and one theme seems to be recurring again and again: I must be the greatest person you readers have ever encountered. But there's a second theme: You people ask questions that have nothing to do with my (lack of) expertise (in anything). So when I receive questions about how to successfully open a business, I can do nothing but laugh. How the hell should I know?

And yet, then I think about the question. I'm a bright person (unless we're talking about my relationships); I took an introductory economics course; my dream was once to open a coffeeshop (more because I wanted to decorate it than anything else, but it's a business nonetheless); I can do this; I can help this person.

So here are the three essentials to remember when opening a successful business. (I'm sure there are more than three, but I have real work to do at some point tonight. Plus, when it comes to rhetoric, I simply love the power of three.)

(1) Tap a new market. Don't try to open a bookstore or tanning salon in a college town. I guarantee you the market is maxed out. Now, if there happens to be a monopoly in said college town (say, of dry cleaners), then feel free to try your hand at undercutting the monopoly. But for the most part, your best bet is to provide a good or service that no one else has thought to offer. For instance, you could be the first place in town to offer underwater basket-weaving classes.

I've personally decided which market I'd like to tap. You know those Make-a-Wish Foundations and all the other charities that take dying kids to Disney World? Yeah. I don't want to do that. I want to let the suicidal pay me to make their wishes come true before they pull the trigger/down the bottle/tie the noose.

Think about all those people who are just dying (no pun intended) to be done with this life, but there's that one last thing nagging them, that one final thing they want to do before it's all over. If they want to go skydiving, I'll arrange it. Go to a frat party, I'll take care of it. Make up with mom after not talking for twenty years? Hell, I'll even get Dr. Phil for that one. What other service will take care of any (legal) request? (And if it's not legal, what other service will take you to a country where the wish is legal?)

Plus, think about this one: the suicidal typically give away their prized possessions. They aren't going to be around, so why would they care how much money they have? I could charge outlandish fees for my services, and they would pay. They're not going to need the money.

Back on track, (2) You need a catchy name. Now, if you're opening a business all by yourself and you'll be taking the profits all to yourself, then that business is a sole proprietorship and as such, it must have your name in the business name. So you could open "Mike's Dry Cleaning" or "MPF Dry Cleaning." They're not very exciting names, but they get your point across.

I haven't decided what kind of business mine will be (partnership, limited liability partnership, corporation, etc.), so I'll just come up with a catchy name. This one is tricky because I can't advertise with a name like "Dreams of Suicide" or "Happiness in Death." But I don't want to obscure my purpose too much. So I was thinking of something closer to "Final Adventure Associates" or "Genie's Last Wish." We'll see.

(3) Don't limit yourself. What do I mean by this? Well, if you're opening a laundromat then go ahead and throw in tanning beds or free wireless internet service (I've seen both of these done, think them highly random, but understand completely why they're there). In a multi-tasking world, people want everything in one place. And it you can't provide everything, then at least provide more than one thing.

Example: when I open "Eternal Sunset Services," I will not only offer a plethora of organizing and coordinating services to make their dreams come true; but I will also employ "consultants." What will these consultants do? Well, just about anything. They can talk people through the stages of grieving, help people craft a perfect suicide note, and even tell people whether their planned suicide methods will work.

Do beware of the legal consequences of the services you intend to offer. For instance, "The End of the Rope" will never tell a client precisely how to kill him/herself. Nor will our services include the manufacturing or retailing of the means with which clients may commit suicide. Additionally, we will never actually advise clients to commit suicide; we just won't talk people out of it. Instead, we will specialize in the use euphemisms for death, then gleefully cry out in court when someone tries to prove what we meant.

:-D See? Business is fun. Open yours today.