Do you ever wonder

what would have become of you and your life if you had made just one different decision?

For instance, what would have been different if you had been smart enough to conduct a thorough college search before applying to that party school up the road, when you had no interest in even partying and therefore could claim no defense but ignorance when you were asked why you were at that school? And let's face it, ignorance isn't really a good defense when people still like to self-delude by thinking that college students possess at least a requisite amount of knowledge or brightness.

Or alternatively, what would have happened to your life had you not dated that oh so not-so-handsome guy who just swept you off your feet (as in pulled the rug out from underneath you and caused your ass to collide with the concrete floor in a way that can be described only as pelvis-crushing)? Would you still contemplate celibacy? Would you still have considered converting to Catholocism for the sake of maintaining hope that some day you could escape the dating game by becoming a nun?

You might even ask yourself how much better your life would be if you had just bothered to talk to a few people in your major before you committed yourself to the hell of their blissful idiocy. At least then you would have known to what you would be subjecting yourself on a daily basis. Namely, maybe you wouldn't have been surprised when your peers asked, "Like, is the invisible people, like, is they, like, like the invisible hand? Like, is they, like, like the ones guiding the money?"

Or, then there is the question that hits me like a brickwall with every person who walks through the office doors: How much would my life instantly improve if I had chosen to come out of Melinda Gates' uterus rather than my mother's? I wouldn't need this job, nor would I be at this university, and life would be just spectacular--or so a consumerist culture such as our own would have us believe. After all, what is to stop life from being wonderful when your dad is Bill Gates and has Bill Gates' net worth?

After spending some time contemplating my life, and how it might be different if I were capable of making good decisions, I have come to the following conclusions. And I am now going to share those conclusions with you, regardless of whether you'd like to hear them or can benefit even slightly from them. Why? Free will, damnit. Close the window if you're that bored.

Insight #1: It's not going to change. Your mind should be thinking, "Pronoun without an antecedent. What is 'it'?" Good question. "It" is anything and everything. Your financial status, your stress level, your relationship problems, your inability to do anything right, the list could go on and on. What you need to know is simple: None of it is going to change (unless it somehow gets much, much worse).

Insight #2: You should stop wondering about those past decisions. Once you have embraced Insight #1 and acknowledged that your life can only get worse from this point on, there is no point in wondering about how things could be different. Unless, of course, you're one of those sick, sick, individuals who enjoys day-dreaming about your own demise, in which case I highly recommend thinking about how much worse your life could be. For each bad relationship in your past, imagine that your heart has been ripped from your chest and trampled by elephants; for each disappointment in your life, just think about much you deserved it because good things never come to people like you; and for each time you've ever failed, remind yourself that hope is pointless because you're a hopeless failure and always will be. Of course, if you prefer to maintain some semblance of a positive self-image, ignore that recommendation.

Insight #3: Never, ever, under any circumstances, should you be stupid enough to listen to the advice of a self-professed screw-up. If you listen to relationship advice from me, you obviously haven't been paying attention. The day I tell you about a functional relationship (to which I am a party) will be the day my favorite animated characters (Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny) are appointed to the president's cabinet. The day I quit overbooking myself and master those little skills referred to as "time management" will be the day I finally have that myocardial infarction that I am so joyously awaiting.

Really, now. I hope you don't actually pay attention to me, because I refuse to be held liable for the results.

Think for yourselves, people.

Coming soon: Allison's Advice Column: How to Appear to Be Succeeding in Life Without Ever Giving Up on Your True Calling: Failure. Feel free to contact Allison with your questions as soon as possible. She'll be sure to help you out to the best of her abilities. If you fail to see the ambiguity in the prior sentence, then consider yourself warned that Allison is not responsible for the actions you take as a result of her advice. She makes no guarantees and in fact thinks you'd have to be a fool to listen to her; she merely acknowledges that the world is full of fools.