Irony

I would like to take this opportunity, on this internet forum, to discuss activity on another, different internet forum--an internet forum that I consider heinous and thoughtless to an assinine degree--an internet forum for which I have an active account.

What forum might it be? MySpace? Fark? Facebook? Or, better yet, Match.com?

Today, my devoted readers and fans, we will be discussing that evil little mole of a website that has grown into a festering, pus-filled tumor on the face of the internet that we love so much. We will be discussing Facebook; and by "we," I mean that I will be ranting and you will be humoring me by fulfilling my narcissistic need to be listened to.

I created my Facebook account some time ago to stop a certain person, who shall remain nameless, from harrassing me about my absence from the wondrous new networking tool. (Because we all know that networking with mindless sorority girls from a state university is going to further our careers, successes, and futures. Were I attending an Ivy League school where my roommate's father could hook me up with free law school tuition, I might see the situation differently.)

Back on track though: Since creating a Facebook account I have rarely logged in without the prompt of an email saying I have a new "Friend." (Oh joy!) I have watched coworkers obsessively stalk complete strangers via Facebook. (Seriously, she thought some guy she saw in the Union was cute, so she figured out which residence he lived in, then browsed through the Facebook accounts of every male living in the building until she located his account. Then she checked for updates to his account every twenty minutes. . . rather than approaching him to say "hi.") I have also listened to conversations about how people are addicted to Facebook; they find themselves spending three hours at a time fixated on the website.

How!? It's not that damn interesting. No one is particularly clever. I don't see the point in reading individuals' profiled repeatedly. Why message people through Facebook when their email addresses are listed right there? And most importantly, why look for information about people you don't know and will most likely never know?

Now, you may be asking yourself: Why doesn't Allison just shut (the f**k) up and delete her account? Good question. I have asked myself that same question numerous times. Each time, I am left with the same answer: How else am I going to stalk my students?

By far, the most hilarious aspect of Facebook is students' complete naivete about the fact that their professors and teaching assistants can create Facebook accounts too. So every time a student rants about the evils of a professor's assigning a certain book or advocating a certain political view, that professor can see the rant. Students may as well send an email to the professor directly:

"Dear Sir/Madam,
"I, your lowly peon of a freshman student in an introductory class, would just like you to know that tonight I will be adding a comment to my Facebook account to express my frustration with your complete lack of skill in the area of pedagogy generally. It will read something like this: 'Yo, listen up everybody. Dr. ______ totally blows! S/he keeps telling us to read these damn books and then wants us to discuss them. Curse you, Dr. ______!!!!!!!!!'
"Thank you for your time and I loathe the thought of seeing you for class on Tuesday.
"Signed,
"A Student Who Obviously Doesn't Care about His/Her Grade in Your Class."

The best though--the thing that is amusing enough to make me get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face (and that's a true challenge; just ask those who have heard my alarm clocks and thrown pillows in my direction only to get death threats in return)--that special event that makes me wonder how these people got into a university in the first place, is when students create groups for the sole purpose of bashing an instructor or a course.

No. . . No one's going to notice when there is a group called, "I Hate [Insert Subject Here]" or "[Insert Instructor's Name Here] Sucks Monkey Balls" or "Welcome to [Course Name Here] Hell." And they definitely won't notice when more than 75% of the students in their course are members of the group. Certainly won't happen. You know, if the instructor weren't such an idiot in the first place, there wouldn't be a group; so obviously there's no way the instructor will figure it out.

So yes, I have a Facebook account. And yes, I keep tabs on my students for the pure entertainment value it provides. And yes, I am currently revelling in the potential irony of this situation: A student could easily look me up on Facebook--where there is a link to this very website and this very text. If any of my students are reading, I have one question: Do you honestly think that the professor in our course doesn't know about Facebook?

We're watching. [Cue the creepy, cheesy horror film lighting and soundtrack.]