How to Avoid Productivity

Do you have a daunting task staring you down? Are there stacks of homework sitting next to you? Is your to-do list growing daily? Are you the typical student--fond of procrastination? Then I have something to share. You see, I have done nothing for the past twenty-four hours. But the joy of this system is that I don't feel like it's been twenty-four hours since I was last productive. And the reason why? I've been developing a list of activities to fill the time until I get motivated to do work.

1. (You obviously know this one.) Read blogs. Doesn't matter whose. Check out the recommended blogs when you go to your "Dashboard"on blogspot. Just pick one and be amused for the next hour. My most recent favorite: http://ahyesmedschool.blogspot.com (It works especially well because the posts are incredibly long.)

2. Closely related to #1, write in your blog. What purpose do you think this post serves? It's certainly not due to some noble cause, like helping all of you avoid homework. No, this is so that I can waste the last thirty minutes before a meeting that will force me to be productive.

3. Go grab food. As long as you don't do this six times a day, no one can really fault you for taking time away from work for it. After all, nourishment is necessary. (Don't forget: you can always pull out the fact that without glucose, your brain can't function and therefore you won't be productive anyway.)

4. Create the soundtrack for your life. You'll need playlists of music for the happy moments ("Blue Skies," Ella Fitzgerald), the triumphant moments ("Icarus," Ani Difranco), the basement scenes ("Taking Chase as the Serpent Slithers," RX Bandits), the all-out porn scenes ("Closer," NIN), the falling-in-love scenes ("The Night Will Go as Follows," The Spill Canvas), the sad scenes ("That I Would Be Good," Alanis Morisette), the funeral scenes ("Cold Water," Damien Rice), and the angry scenes ("The Wretched," "No, You Don't," or any number of other songs by NIN).

5. Grooming. I spent two hours straightening my hair last night (counting time spent waiting for my hair to dry after showering--don't neglect the fact that long showers are an excellent way to destress and waste time as long as you aren't concerned about your ecological footprint and using too much of a limited resource like clean water). Then I tweezed my eyebrows. Gentlemen, you know you can do that too. You can always file/paint your finger/toenails as well. And, if you happen to have an open wound like myself, you can take your time changing the bandage and examining the skin to try to guess when it will be done healing.

6. Call a relative. Everyone knows we, as college students away from home, are obligated to keep in touch. If you're really trying to avoid work, be sure to tell the relative about all the goings-on, including upcoming projects, and to ask about each and every relative at home individually (second cousins are important too).

7. Review/make a to-do list. This is great because it still resembles productivity. Just don't get overwhelmed looking at it. You'll get around to it eventually.

8. Masturbate. No. Seriously.

9. Watch a movie. This one is less justifiable, so you might have to get creative. ("I am doing work. I know I'm not a Pop Culture major, but Interview with a Vampire is a classic tale about the intricacies of the human condition. As a future social worker, it is important for me to recognize the complexity of the individual person, and therefore my time is better spent doing research by watching this movie than reading a textbook that refers to the "District of Columbus." (Yes. One of my textbooks actually did this. Do you see why I've given up reading them and gone to the age-old method of skimming the bold print?))

10. My absolute favorite. Sleep. Just sleep. I slept until 2:10 on Thursday (my day off), got up and went to my 2:30 class, came home at four, was back in bed by five, and didn't get up until 7:30. Lazy? No. Of course not. I'm a sleep-deprived college student who needed to play catch-up. (And so are you. Even if you're not: so are you.)

Okay. Mission Accomplished. Time for the meeting. Good luck, and let me know how it goes.