Tonight, I am pleased to bring you an official first for Anaerobic Exercises in Futility. (Thus, you can safely assume that this has little or nothing to do with Allison-deprecation or a certain anti-intellectual major field of study at a certain mid-sized state university.)
No, tonight I am hosting a guest writer for the first time. Some of you readers may know him; a few of you may recognize the writing style. (By the way, I am pleased and honored that the writing style has been termed "Allisonian." I consider it genius.)
With that said, here is the first AEiF guest entry. Straight from my favorite political science graduate student and former mock trial assistant coach, Daniffer, a.k.a. Son of Lucifer.
Daniffer on Libertarianism
Libertarianism is the bastard love child that resulted from a drunken hook-up between American liberalism and American conservatism. The hideous offspring argues for little to no government involvement outside of protecting rights and liberties. There are multiple of these crimes against nature, and some are so retarded that they go so far as to argue that government need not supply firefighters, police, or even military because the people will pay for it if they want. At least the people have privacy, unlike under President Fuckface, I mean, Bush.
Daniffer on Capitalism
Capitalism is the means by which the bourgeoisie pigs exploit the proletariat in an effort to forever wallow in their increasing crapulence. The workers are mistreated, misused, and ultimately disconnected from their product, other workers, and society, as well as from their general stance as humans. Capitalism furthers the suffering of the proletariat by creating ideological state apparatuses, such as courts and other legitimizing devices that reinforce the beliefs and ideas (ideology) of the dominant bourgeoisie class. Through this chimera of legitimizing and coercive devices, the bourgeoisie have produced a nearly unbreakable system of oppression where the rich get richer and the poor get anally raped in jail.*
Daniffer on Existentialism
Existentialism is wicked sweet! So your life is meaningless. Yes, that's right, your life is meaningless, and absurd, and nothing has any intrinsic value. (pause) Now that you are all done shooting heroine, having lots of sex, and trying to kill yourself, I should tell you there is an out. Although you are ever haunted by the shit you have done, you can overcome it (but not escape it) by trying, probably vainly, to better yourself. In this search for meaning, you can create a meaning for your crappy life, thus preventing the enaction of the NCUR plan, or the equivalent.** Oh, and by the way, you are all doomed to be free and to hell, as hell is other people ...or perhaps pushing a boulder up a big fucking hill again and again.***
Daniffer on Value Preferences
Oh, and because [a certain values-related educational program for which we have worked] recognizes negative values, the value preferences of the ideas are: Libertarianism = crazy, half-retarded freedom over stability; Captialism = making money and fucking over everyone else over revolution and comraderie; and Existentialism = semi-worthless life over death.
* Ten points to anyone who got that book reference.
** For those who don't know, NCUR is the National Conference for Undergraduate Research and the NCUR Plan is an elaborate (supposedly fool-proof) suicide plan. I would list the numerous steps involved, but I know that one of the adherents would just correct me. I believe it involves poisoning oneself before jumping out of a window on the tenth floor of a building, and then stabbing and shooting oneself during the fall to the ground. I could be missing several steps though.****
*** Fifteen points to anyone who got that book reference. *****
**** Personally, I think the plan is a bit over-the-top ("overkill," if you're a fan of puns), but the people who came up with the plan are achievement-oriented and I know one of their worst fears must be an unsuccessful suicide attempt, so it makes sense. . . sort of. . . in a weird, twisted way. . . which is what we like, so whatever.
***** Don't worry. This is kind of like Whose Line Is It Anyway? The host is a nerd and the points don't matter.
The NCUR plan is actually a series of actions that begin with s that would hypothetically be executed in the following order: Smash, Slash, Spring, Stab, Shoot, splat. I am sure, however, that you got the point across in your original post.
ReplyDeleteDanifer is actually spelled with just one "f" - like Lucifer. And you should have seen his original versions of Hobbes, Locke, and Montesquieu ::grins::
ReplyDelete